Bahn Mi (Also Part 3 of the Dastardly Derivatives series)

Why hello again! This is part 3 of the Dastardly Derivatives series. In parts one and two, I explained the ideological forces that helped to push the market into collapsing on itself in 2008- effectively crippling the world financially. Well, I am finally prepared to talk about the derivatives market itself.

Sorta.

The thing about derivatives is that they are by design super fucking complicated. So complicated that the people buying them will often have no idea what they're actually buying- but more on that later. I do have to go ahead and say that pretty much all the information that I will be providing in this post is from Frontline's The Warning. I'm not saying that I'm plagiarizing as much as leaning the intellectual weight of this post on their reporting (See how I did that? 34,000 dollars worth of Poli Sci degree right there).  However, I am only using the most important bullet points. If you find yourself curious and enjoy the rush of terror knowing that you are not in charge of your existence, definitely go watch it. Frontline streams most of their content for free, so really there's no excuse not to watch.

Okay guys, we're about to wade into financial jargon territory- a place where I do not belong. I'm going to do my best to account all of this accurately- but I honestly don't understand any of this stuff. To me it sounds like a big bag of dishonesty and legalized theft. But that's just me. If you happen to know more about this topic than I do and think I've misrepresented the information in anyway, keep it to yourself. I don't want anyone to find out that I don't know everything.

This is going to get grisly, so

here's a picture of Momo as a kitten

with his head stuck in a glass to 

help you mentally prepare. 

So, what is a derivative? In short, it's a bet. A very elaborate bet that looks to reduce risk by locking in a fixed selling price for a commodity. In even simpler terms, it is a contract that a person (or financial institution) enters into setting a specific amount of money they are going to sell their stock at in the future. This is to insure against unpredictable market fluctuations,  reducing the risk of losing everything. But, on the flip side, this person/institution would miss out if that commodity becomes more profitable, or if it becomes much cheaper and they are already locked in to the higher price.

Now, some derivatives are regulated. The ones that are traded on national securities exchange are subject to monitoring by the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC). However, most derivatives are traded Over The Counter (OTC). These are private contracts entered into by individual parties and have NO regulation. This is called "The Black Box Market", because no one except those in the contracts actually know what is happening with these exchanges. Not even the government is aware of the vast majority of what happens with OTC derivatives. In fact, there is little to no records of the actual contracts because there isn't even a rule that companies need to record any of their transactions. The only proof of the derivative is the contract itself-which are kept in filing cabinets of the lawyers of the financial institutions that created the product to begin with. At the time of the crash, OTC derivatives were a 27 trillion dollar market that was completely hidden from sight of any and every regulatory agency. Needless to say, fraud runs rampant in these parts.

Like I said earlier, derivatives are extremely complex- even the financial institutions that enter into these things won't actually know what they are buying. Take the case of Banker's Trust. In 1993, Banker's Trust was one of the largest banks in the country. They sold derivatives to Procter and Gamble (maybe you've heard of them). P&G ended up suing over those derivatives because they were scammed out of obscene amounts of money. The products were so complicated, they didn't actually understand what they were buying. Banker's Trust, of course, did this on purpose, and they were hardly the only ones doing it. Procter and Gamble's law suit ended up shedding a very faint light into that Black Box. Before that, nothing was known, and that was completely legal.

I just want to take a moment to sing the praises of one of the few heroes in this horror show, Brooksley Born. She was in charge of the U.S. Commodities and Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) in the 90s when all of this stuff was just coming to light. She was the one who started really investigating OTC derivatives and saw how dangerous they were. 27 trillion dollar market, and only the largest banks in the world really knew what was happening. Born knew that if just one of them couldn't meet their obligations, they could take down the entire financial institution. So she confronted Greenspan & Co. with all of this information, saying that something needed to be done before disaster struck. For her tenacity and forward thinking, she was rewarded with being removed from her position.

This was the 90s at the height of the Dotcom boom. Fast forward a decade to Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns going down in flames and blamo- 2008 crash. So, here we are now, looking at all of this in hindsight. A reasonable person could look at this basic amount of information and think "Maybe we should keep an eye on these things so there's not so much fraud- and punish those who would scam the system." You'd think. What is the current regulatory state of the derivatives market now that we know everything that we know? Pretty much the same. To be fair, there were a few new laws put into place to prevent a lot of the more fraudulent behavior that helped create the crash. Those laws are currently being dismantled by the Republican congress.




Bahn Mi

Ingredients:

protein of choice
reduced sodium soy sauce
rice vinegar
brown sugar
garlic chili sauce
ground ginger
garlic powder
baguette
pickled veggies
mayo
cilantro
bean sprouts


Pickled Veggies Ingredients:

carrots
radish
cucumber
jalapeno
4 tbsp sugar
2 tsp kosher/sea salt
1 1/2 rice vinegar
1 1/2 water


We're going to tackle the pickled veggies first- and believe me, these are a very important part of a successful bahn mi sandwich. It's easy. First, julienne your veggies into matchsticks. Then toss your veggies with the salt and 1 tbsp of the sugar. Let them sit for a few minutes so that the salt and sugar start to break the vegetables down and soften them. Then rinse them thoroughly. Combine vinegar, water, and the rest of the sugar together in a bowl. Stir until the sugar completely dissolves. Put the veggies in a large mason jar. Once again I didn't give you amounts. It's up to you- just have enough to fill the jar. Pour the liquid over the veggies and throw it in the refrigerator. It only takes a few hours for the pickling to reach the yummy state- but for best results you want at least  a 24 hour soak time. These will keep up to a month, maybe longer.

This.

To make your protein (my favorite is thinly sliced beef), take the soy sauce, rice vinegar, chili sauce, brown sugar, and spices and mix them together and let your protein soak in it for at least 15 minutes. However, don't feel constricted to this. I made a Jamaican jerk chicken version of bahn mi, and it was fucking amaze balls. 

 Amaze balls.

Cook your meat to the appropriate temperature (duh) and warm up your baguette. Slice your baguette open and add lots of mayo. I personally like to add spices and sriracha to my mayo because I'm a millennial. Throw some pickled veggies and cilantro onto bad boy and VOILA! You've recreated a product of French Colonialism.

Imperialism has never 

tasted so good!

Thus ends our Dastardly Derivatives series- the first ever series for I Eat With Gusto. I promise not all of the posts are going to be this heavy. Some might be worse. Any way, I appreciate the support that I've had from all of you. If you find yourself thinking "Wow! I'd really like to help Corinne even more!" I have just the opportunity. See these fine folks eating delicious food stuffs?

     

They look so happy!

These are my good friends Leah and John. My other good friend Zak is the other not me picture. These guys helped me out by purchasing part of the meal that I prepared for them. Then I took unflattering pictures of them and put it on the internet for tens of people to see. If you would like to show some love and help me mitigate some of the cost that it takes to make the food and potentially become internet famous as "model number 5 (or whatever) contact me! 

Until next time...

Bison Tacos (also: Darn those Dastardly Derivatives Part 2)

Welcome back! This is part 2 of the Dastardly Derivatives series, where I lure you in with the promise of explanations of cooking to further my liberal agenda. To recap (even though you should go back and read the post so I can collect those sweet sweet clicks)- I explained the central ideology of Ayn Rand as being anti-any kind of regulation on financial markets (this is the nicest way I have EVER explained her philosophy). Then I threw Alan Greenspan's name in there and quickly changed the subject. Well, now it's time to delve into Greenspan's part in crashing the economy. 

The most important thing that you need to know about Alan Greenspan is that he was an ardent student of Ayn Rand. She was even there when he was sworn into his position at the White House.

Gross.

When he became Chairman of the Federal Reserve, he was surrounded himself with like minded people- the most notable being Larry Summers and Robert Rubin. The thing to remember about these men is that they are Market True Believers. They took the Randian philosophy of the "separation of Market and State" to its extremes- as true believers are apt to do. Remember learning about the great crash of 1929? The one that resulted in The Great Depression? When that happened, a series of regulations were put onto the stock market to prevent that from happening again. Well, those 3 guys (with the backing of many others that stood to gain an obscene amount of money) decided to take those regulations away. Because, what's the worse that could happen?!

Time Magazine had one idea;

Reality had another.

Now, these men weren't idiots. They were experts in finance and made gobs of money because of their knowledge. So what happened? Because they didn't benefit from the crash- not many people did (some hedge funds made a killing off of the world's misery- but that's another topic that may or may not ever materialize on this blog). Why didn't they see this coming? There were plenty of warnings from other incredibly smart people. The answer is that they BELIEVED. They had complete faith in the lassiez faire approach to the market- in spite of the lack of evidence that it had any long-term systemic benefits. 

For those of you who do not know what lassiez faire economics is- here's a quick run down. People who subscribe to this thought process believe that the financial markets are inherently rational entities that will behave predictably given a long enough time line- and therefore should be left alone to run their course. If any fraudulent behavior happens, the natural progression of consequences will eventually resolve the issue. 

Let's really examine this. First of all, financial markets consist of people- emotional, messy, irrational human beings that are buying and selling goods in order to make money. That alone debunks the validity of the lassiez faire approach. A larger system is only a reflection of all the moving parts inside, and there's nothing more sloppy than people. But, let's go deeper into this- because it's not just about people- it's also about money.

So, let's consider the concept of money. Money is a construct that we created in order to make the trade of goods easier. Money has no inherent value other than that which we give it. I'm sure you heard that it costs more to make a penny than a penny is worth. How ridiculous is that? And don't fancy math me with tales of inflation and all the needlessly complex value scales that we created around the money construct. Regardless of interest rates and inflation/deflation and whatever other plethora of variables that we plug into the equation- money is only worth what we say it's worth. All of us, as a global society, got together and decided to imbue pieces of paper and little discs of metal with value in order to quantify our labor into buying power.

Why am I deconstructing this? First of all, I'm trying to show how clearly NOT rational any of this is. The financial systems that we have been engaging in are so irrationally complex that a relatively small amount of people can destroy millions of other people's monetary savings within seconds. When Greenspan and Co. decided to lift the regulatory safe guards against fraudulent activity, a slew of savvy financial firms took advantage of the fact that most people who invest their life savings are unaware of 99% of what really happens on the trading floor. Therefore, there's little to no accountability, and even less recourse when every last penny disappears. The market cannot "self correct" if the people who would do the correcting are too poor to make it happen.

Second, I want to illustrate the dangers of true believers. We're so used to hearing about terrorists and religious cults that we don't see the far more perilous belief systems of those who put their faith in money. Alan Greenspan, Larry Summers, and Robert Rubin believed so completely that the market was rational and self correcting that they ignored pretty much all of history and logical argument in order to maintain that belief. They were lauded by the media as "The Committee to Save the World" because they sold their religion so completely that almost all institutions of influence bought in. And for their absolute faith, our world collapsed.

Here's a picture of Momo showing 

me his belly to help ease the 

sense of hopelessness. 

Pretty heavy stuff for a 3rd post on a humor blog, I know. I never promised that I would ALWAYS make you laugh. I live to break expectations. Hopefully, this was at least interesting enough that you all are willing to read part 3 where I ACTUALLY explain derivatives (as much as I can). Anyway, let's change up the mood and talk tacos!!!

Bison Tacos

Ingredients:

small tortillas

ground bison

shredded cheese

bell peppers- julienne  

red onion- julienne

garlic

chili powder

cumin

cayenne pepper

chipotle powder

taco seasoning- optional

olive oil- 2 tbsp

Pico de Gallo:

6-10 roma tomatos

1/3 red onion

cilantro

1-2 jalepaneos  

1-2 cloves of garlic

1/2 lime

1/3 cucumber 

sea salt to taste

Chipotle Sauce:

canned chipotle in adobo sauce

sour cream

garlic powder

spritz of lime juice

This is a pretty easy meal to make. In fact, it feels pretty silly to explain how to make tacos- you cook the thing with the other things and you get edible food. I mean, come on, you've done this before. But, this is a food blog, so I will write it out for everyone.

This picture is literally all the

 instructions you should need for this meal

Meat:

Cook your bison and add your spices. Notice how I didn't give you any measurements? That's because it's all up to your taste. If you need someone to tell you how to make to make your food taste good to you- maybe it's time to consider take-out. Forever. 

Peppers and onion:

Heat up the olive oil on a medium to medium-high heat- toss your julienned (See that fancy food speak? Legit.) veggies in said oil until cooked. I personally enjoy a slight char on my peppers- but it's up to you.

Pico de Gallo:

Dice all your veggies, toss them in a bowl, add lime juice and salt. That's it. Careful not to get too crazy with the onion and garlic. The longer this sits the stronger the flavor. Unless you enjoy being "that guy" at your home or place of employment, then have at (I'm totally that guy, btw).

Pico.

Chipotle sauce:

Mix adobo sauce, garlic, and spritz of lime juice (you really don't need much) with sour cream. Again, I didn't give you any measurements on this because it's up to your taste. Lots of adobo will up the intensity of the heat as well as the flavor. 

Take all these elements and throw them on a tortilla and you have instant happiness. I have never had a bad bison taco night. It's all fresh ingredients + pure joy= forgetting all about the financial markets.

Markets Schmarkets

For those of you who are still reading, I appreciate your support! I'm sure being lectured at isn't exactly what you thought you were signing up for 2 posts ago. But, hopefully I continue to gain your 'likes' and your 'shares' and other internet currency that helps me get noticed. 

Stayed tuned for the thrilling conclusion of the Dastardly Derivatives!

For a little extra fun (for me), here's Last Week Tonight's far superior take down of Ayn Rand. Enjoy!

Spicy Peanut Noodles (also: Darn those Dastardly Derivatives Part 1)

This is part 1 of a 3(ish) part series that seeks to explain the derivatives market and its part in the stock market crash of 2008. That's right- I went from glib to educational just that fast. That's how I roll.

Food blog, food puns

 Now, this is going to be a heavily biased, over simplified overview of the mindblowingly complicated catastrophe that was the 2008 crash. But, my research is pretty sound- and my sources of information are pretty solid. That said, this is a humor blog that mixes different things that tickle my fancy together in order to poke fun at food blogs. You want source citations? Tough. Do a Google search like I did if you don't believe me.

So, in this first part, we're going to start with the core problem that lead intelligent people in power to make very stupid decisions. That problem happens to be my very favorite ideological punching bag- Ayn Rand.

Ugh! I want to throw things at her face!

For those of you who hang out with me all the time, feel free to skip this posting. You've heard me trash this woman ever since I first read her horrific magnum opus Atlas Shrugged 9 years ago. For those of you who are uninitiated to my ire, and enjoy reading someone rant obnoxiously about ideology, go ahead and strap yourselves in and prepare yourselves for the verbal tirade. And as a reward, I'll teach you how to properly cook rice noodles and make a tasty sauce out of peanut butter! Yay! Food blogs!

Right. Why do I hate Ayn Rand, and how is she at the heart of the financial crisis? It alls centers around her love affair of unfettered capitalism. As a child, she grew up in Soviet Russia. It was such a terrible experience that she decided to believe the exact opposite of Communism (which, Americans, is different than Socialism. But that's for a different blog. I might save that rant for an apple pie recipe.). Her belief was that government had no place in the markets, and that there shouldn't be ANY regulations. None. If a company wants to put lead in the paint of your children's toys- don't worry about it, because eventually someone will find out (when kids start to get lead poisoning), and people will stop buying those toys! See! The market sorts itself out! What's a few dead kids as long as we're making oodles of moneeeeeey (see above quote with her stupid face on it)!

Momo just can't even DEAL 

with Ayn Rand right now.

Ayn Rand also believed that wealth exists in a vacuum. She believed that the wealthy were wealthy because they had the goods and knowledge to get them there, and everyone else was a leech on society. You might see the occasional bumper sticker that says "Going Galt" or "Who is John Galt"- those are referencing her book Atlas Shrugged, where all the wealthy manufacturers destroy their companies and go live on an island free of poor people- otherwise known as laborers and consumers. Think about that for a second. Her ideal situation is for industry to move to a place where NO ONE CAN MAKE OR BUY THEIR STUFF. Rand, and the people who follow her lack the fundamental understanding of how an economy works.

Who would be foolish enough to think any of this is a good idea? Well, a lot of people, unfortunately. But, one in particular stands out. Ever heard of a guy named Alan Greenspan? For those of you who know who that is, this should send a shock through your system. For those of you too young, or don't care about how the country works, Alan Greenspan was in charge of the government's central banking system. In other words, he was in charge of regulating Wall Street. *insert ominous music here*

Okay, enough of that. I will pick up on how Alan Greenspan and his Randian buddies helped to destroy the economy in my next blog. Now, on to the food!


Spicy Peanut Noodles

Ingredients:

Package of rice noodles
broccoli
cauliflower
green onion
purple cabbage
coconut oil -2 tbsp
sesame oil- 2 tbsp
cayenne pepper to taste
garlic powder to taste
optional: chicken or pork

For the sauce:

Peanut butter 3/4 cup
rice vinegar 1/4 cup
reduced sodium soysauce 1/2 cup
garlic chili sauce 2 tbsp
sriracha to taste
garlic 3-4 cloves
brown sugar 4-5 tbsp
fresh grated ginger- 1 tbsp

Okay, I need to be upfront with you guys. I totally guesstimated the measurements. I have no idea how much I actually use for this recipe. I just intuitively dump stuff in a blender and HUZZAH! Delicious sauce! So experiment and constantly taste. The peanut butter notes should come out first, followed by the soy, vinegar, and a bit of spice.

And those are your instructions for how to make the sauce. Take all the ingredients and throw it into a blender, and puree it for at least 1 solid minute. It should be smooth and thick, with a caramel color.

                                                                      Like this.

Also, be sure to constantly check to see if your peanut butter is still good, like this:

My GOD that's good

After your sauce is ready, put that aside (keep at room temp) and cut up your veggies. Actually, it doesn't really matter what order you do this in. You can start cooking your veggies before the sauce if that's what makes you happy. The point is to have your veggies, meat- if you go that route- and sauce ready before you cook the noodles. I will say, that with this particular dish, I don't add meat to it. Not because that wouldn't be good- it'd be delicious- but the peanut butter sauce is really filling on its own with protein and heart healthy fats. Plus, meat is expensive. 

Put a skillet on medium heat and throw in your coconut oil. When it's hot enough, add your veggies and spices. After they've slightly browned, add a little bit of water to steam them through. When they are cooked all the way through take them off the stove and put them in a bowl and either get a new skillet, or clean off that skillet to prepare it for stir-frying the noodles.

Okay, on to the noodles. For my pictures, I used vermicelli rice noodles- but any noodle will do. Japanese soba noodles are another of my favorites, in case you were curious.

Vermicelli rice noodles are really easy to make as long as you keep an eye on them. What I do is I boil water in my tea kettle, and pour it over the noodles in large bowl. Stir for a few minutes, constantly checking the softness. These noodles are really thin and can over cook easily, so be alert. When they're where you want them, drain the hot water and submerge the noodles in an ice water bath to stop the cooking. 

                                                            Beautiful


Once your noodles are cooked, put them in a bowl for a moment and put your skillet on medium heat and add the sesame oil. Once it's hot enough, add your noodles and toss them in the oil for a few minutes until they are warm, then add your veggies:

Turn the heat to medium low and add your sauce- notice how thick that looks? Kind of like cake batter? That's good. You want that.

                               

 Allow the flavors to combine for a few minutes and suddenly, you have deliousness on your hands!

I like to add some purple cabbage and fresh green onion on top for color. Detracts from the poop brown look of the noodles. 

Food of the Asian gods.

Thus concludes part one of a 3 or so part series (I don't actually know how long this is going to be- the derivatives market is really hard to explain) that seek to educate on the economy as well as reenforce the idea of how amazing peanut butter is. Stay tuned for part 2! 

Thank you for reading and supporting me, everyone!

Sarcastic Food Blog

So, earlier today I made a joke about how I was going to make a sarcastic food blog. Then I decided to do it. Why, you ask?

I love cooking and getting recipes from the internet. However, I HATE reading food blogs. Every single food blog is some lady going on about her husband and kids. "This recipe is GREAT for your picky eaters. Let me tell you in at least 5 paragraphs about how my husband hates vegetables and how I trick him into eating them; because I treat him the same way I treat my children- passive aggressively." Every food blog does this! Look, I don't care about your family. Just give me the fucking recipe and tips on how to make it.

So, am I going to make a food blog that is JUST about food and pointers on how to easily prepare it?

                                                                           No.


In the spirit of forcing people to scroll through mind numbing drivel to get to the recipes, I am going to post whatever pops into my brain- most of which will probably have nothing to do with food. But I promise that my posts will NEVER reference my husband or my kids- because I have neither. I will talk about my cat, though. A lot. Just an unreasonable amount about my cat. Because, unlike most people's kids, he's ADORABLE!

                                                                   Look at this cat!


How often can you expect a posting from me? Probably not that often. I have exactly one idea for this blog right now. It'll probably turn into more ideas- but since I'm not going to make any money, and it's probably only going to be read by 5 people I'm not that worried about it. I'll make sure to shamelessly promote every single posting when I actually create them.

Without further ado, here is the recipe everyone has been scrolling down for (and will be bitterly disappointed by).

Peanut butter and Jelly Sandwich

Ingredients:

2 tbsp peanutbutter
2 tbsp jelly/jam/preserves
2 pieces of bread

Instructions:

Start with the two (2) pieces of bread. This can be any bread- wheat if you're uncreative, white if you're from the 50s, gluten-free if you're annoying, etc.

                                                               Stock photo of bread


Next, slather that peanut butter on both those slices. I personally prefer the natural crunchy peanut butter- the kind where the oil separates and you have to stir it- because I like to know that I've earned my peanut butter. That, and it's just peanuts and salt. Waaaaaay better than the brands that use unpronounceable chemicals.

                                            The peanut butter in this picture is inferior due
                                                     to it being 'creamy' and not 'crunchy'


After you've applied the peanut butter (otherwise known as doing God's work), add the jelly or jam or preserves to it. Some people like to put peanut butter on one piece of bread, and jelly on the other piece. I want to be clear about something. Those people are WRONG. You need peanut butter on both sides.

                                                               Christ, this looks good


Smoosh the two pieces of bread together, and BLAMO! You've got yourself a sandwich!

                                                                       Inspired


This concludes the first ever entry to this blog. If you feel kind of cheated- sorry. It literally only took me 15 minutes to write this thing. Will I post recipes that you might actually be interested in? It's a surprise! Stay tuned for more!



*Just a note, I need to give credit for my blog's name- it is a line from a spoken word poem by Jonathan Richman of the same title (only he writes it as I Eat with Gusto, Damn! You Bet!). It's pretty awesome and should be checked out.*